The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.

Part 1- Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Technique 1- If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive

Principle- Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

We should make it a habit not to condemn people. They are just what we would be under similar circumstances. Instead, let’s try to understand them. We should take time to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism. It breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. To know all is to forgive all.

Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

Always remember!!! An animal rewarded for good behaviour will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behaviour.

You see, any fool can criticize, condemn and complain. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

“A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.”

Technique 2- The Big Secret of Dealing with People

Principle- Give honest and sincere appreciation

The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.

All the human beings we deal with are hungry for appreciation. They crave it actually. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

But, never confuse appreciation with cheap flattery. Flattery is shallow and insincere, unlike appreciation. One comes from the heart out; the other comes from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

Flattery fails. Appreciation works.

Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. Honest appreciation gets results where criticism and ridicule fails.

Technique 3- He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

Principle- Arouse in the other person an eager want.

“Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.”

If you want a person to do what you want him to do, then make him want to do it. Arouse a desire in him for action springs out of what we fundamentally desire. Forget about your own accomplishments, your desires, your wants. Figure out what the other person wants, and how he could get it. Always try to think from other people’s point of view. See things from their angle.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.

 

Part 2- Six ways to make people like you

Principle 1- Become genuinely interested in other people. This way you will develop real friendships and you will be able to help others at the same time as you help yourself.

Principle 2- Smile. There is a Chinese proverb- A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. Your smile is a messenger of good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. Give the people a good time meeting you. Remember!!! There’s far more information in a smile than a frown.

Principle 3- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. There is a pride associated with one’s name, and one strives to perpetuate the name at any cost. So, always approach the situation with the name of the individual.

Principle 4- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.

Principle 5- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

Principle 6- Make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely. Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.

 

Part 3- How to win people to your way of thinking

Principle 1- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. You can’t win an argument. Always welcome the disagreement. Control your temper. Think through the problem. Be honest and look for areas of agreement.

Ben Franklin said, “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”

Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love, and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s view point.”

Principle 2- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

Nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. Few people like to listen to truths that reflect on their judgement.

Lord Chesterfield said, “Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so”.

Principle 3- If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong- and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves- let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

Principle 4- Begin in a friendly way for gentleness and friendliness are always stronger than fury and force. You see, people don’t want to change their minds, no matter how much wrong they think. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly.

Abraham Lincoln rightly said: “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

Principle 5- The secret of Socrates- Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

Don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing and keep on emphasizing the things on which you agree.

In the beginning, try to get a number of “Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative directions. No withdrawal activities take place. The listener is in a forward-moving, accepting, and open attitude.

On the contrary, when a person says “No”, and really means it, then there is a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system sets itself on guard against acceptance.

Principle 6- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher said: “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”

Principle 7- Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.

Principle 8- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his book Educational Psychology: “Sympathy the human species universally craves.”

Principle 9- Appeal to the nobler motives. People are usually honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to this are few. People will react favourably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.

Principle 10- Dramatize your ideas. Bring a little dramatization, showmanship in the way you present your ideas. This will captivate the attention of your listeners. This idea works almost with people of all ages- children, adolescents and adults.

Principle 11- Throw down a challenge. That is what every successful person loves- the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. The way to get things done is to stimulate competition.

 

Part 4- How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment

Principle 1- Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Principle 2- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Begin your criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and end with a critical statement. This indirect criticism works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

Principle 3- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. When you admit your own mistakes first, it can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.

Principle 4- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. For example, instead of saying “Do this or do that,” or “Don’t do this or don’t do that”, you can say- “You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?”

Principle 5- Let the other person save face. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime. We should not say anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.

Principle 6- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

Remember- Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

So, praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent possibilities.

Principle 7- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Assume a virtue and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. When you give the people a fine reputation to live up to, it’s highly likely that they will make prodigious efforts to live up to that.

Principle 8- If you want to help others to improve, use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Praise the other person for what he did right. Minimize the errors.

Principle 9- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Be sincere. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it that the other person really wants. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

This way, people are more likely to do what you would like them to do.

That's all guys. I would strongly recommend the readers out there to spare some time and read this wisdom rich manual to win friends and influence people in your everyday lives.

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